I’ve mentioned previously that my favorite pieces to read are the honest, raw, vulnerable, real-life blog posts. I admire authentic people – the people, who know who they are, what they like and what they want from life, and couldn’t give two shits about other people’s opinions. I admire them and I want to become them someday. As for now, whenever I write, I overthink and overthink and overthink some more.
I quick scan of my writing revealed that 99 % of my posts are made into a dialogue with, allegedly, the audience, but in reality – with my inner censor. Whenever I write something opinionated, I can’t help but hide behind phrases like “Who am I kidding?”, “Don’t judge me” and I always make sure to throw in such gems as ‘*coughs*’, ‘amirite?’ and ‘ignore me’. It’s like I want to write, I want to speak my truth, but I am mortified at the chance of someone actually reading it and judging me for my opinions.
That’s why I also fail at coherency. When I come up with a post idea: I start with a topic that I feel passionate about, I state some opinions, but then my overthinking takes over. I get the feeling like some of the opinions might sound too harsh. I start looking at the problem from 50 different angles in an attempt to sound reasonable. I get anxious that I’m not covering all stances. I get paranoid that I sound like a radical, if not plain stupid. I start thinking my opinions are dumb and poorly-informed. In the end, the post is a mesh of opinions, stances and somewhat related gifs. I also throw in some self-deprecation, picking on my intellect and adequacy, so that the reader doesn’t feel the need to open up a discussion with me…
You see what I’m doing there? It’s literal bullshit. I’m afraid of making statements and people calling me out on them, so I discredit myself with humor, and then I complain when my parents don’t take me seriously… This is why I’m also shit at job interviews, presentations and, theoretically, running for president. Imagine me in debates…
Sometimes I feel cocky. I get this ‘I can say whatever I want! It’s my blog’ thought and come up with a post that is not my best, does not necessarily hold value, but is sure as hell filled to the brim with F bombs. I have opinions! I must share them! Whenever I get this thought, I opt for cussing. A lot of cussing. And I love cussing: I feel it’s humorous, it’s attention-grabbing and it adds a certain character and spice to your writing. I do believe that it’s truly not a big deal when a blogger cusses, and no one should be discredited solely based on that.
Having said that, I feel like only cussing will not help me in my strive for developing authenticity. Sure, it will make a statement of some sort, but it will not convince anyone that I am effortlessly confident in what I’m saying. And I know that I’m not going to convince myself with that technique for sure.
On my quest for authenticity, I want to find strength in my own voice. My own authentic voice. I know that it will happen eventually. I have a good feeling about it.