I went through highs and lows. I sank deep. I felt so crushed. I was dying on the inside, yet I could not answer the simplest of questions “Do you want to stay like this or fight?”
Even though the illness robbed me of any strength to fight, in my heart of hearts I knew that I couldn’t harbor the demons in my head any longer. Throughout the hell-ride that is depression, I entertained the idea of a quick solution, but obviously didn’t put my money on it. I painfully understood that depression is a bitch and that recovery is a long and bittersweet process. I honestly didn’t expect a quick solution, yet I am still puzzled by what happened a couple of days ago.
I really didn’t think my outlook would change 180 degrees. It took one innocent Skype conversation with a dear friend, some reflecting, a night of sleep and here I am, illness free.
Basically my friend, G, was telling me about his experience applying for jobs, the recent interviews he had, to be exact. These were the jobs he really saw himself doing, which is why during the interviews, his answers exuded knowledge and passion. As I was listening, my mind was painting a picture and it seemed to me that G’s eyes were sparkling throughout all interviews.
Being a person who has yet found her passion, I find people who already did, insanely admirable. I was happy for G, but I started thinking.
‘I am clearly in no position now to catch an employer’s interest with my resume, let alone charm the pants off any HR office. To do that, I have to develop at least some sort of direction. Create a vision of my future once and for all. Future… I don’t even have a vision for my present. I don’t know what differentiates me from other job-hungry graduates with a modest bachelor’s degree, except for the fact that I’m depressed…’
And then it hit me.
Have you ever heard someone saying “That person doesn’t have a personality”? Rather cocky, I know, yet the moment someone mentioned it, it stuck. It stuck to my character, to my issues, to my constant need to be liked. I was even ignorant enough to say this about some of the people in my life. However, I finally realized that saying this about others made me feel better about my own fear of having no personality.
I’ve always been attracted to quirky people. People with unique talents, passions, a fierce fashion sense or cool tattoos, a sense of who they are and what they want. People who are unapologetically themselves and people who are effortlessly different. I’ve always wanted to be them. I feared I was too average, too plain and simple. I realized that some of the choices I made in life were partially fueled by my subconscious strive to become one of these people. I stopped eating meat. I started blogging. I developed a mental illness…
The realization that I idolized my momentary feelings of failure and loneliness and turned them into full blown depression made me… angry. The realization that I artificially created an illness that has been preventing me from seeing life’s brightest colors for years made me so insanely mad at myself. I got sad, yes, but I got too comfortable being sad, being a ‘person with a grey aura’, asking for concern and questions, causing awkward interactions and perplexed glances. Nobody tells you that the toughest part of depression is the struggle of keeping up your relationships.
I didn’t dismiss the initial triggers. I understood that the feelings and even the illness itself might have been there, yet realizing that I made it worse TO myself BY myself threw me.
I went to bed that day feeling confused, angry and restless. However, the next morning it changed. It’s almost as if I found an actual switch, and my condition finally reached a turning point. I felt energized. Getting out of bed didn’t seem impossible. The morning was delicious, the colors seemed richer, everything found meaning and I had hope once again. I felt alive.
I had similar states before and I feared that this state will not last long. Yet something felt different. It felt like it’s here for good.
I am determined to save myself,
and I will be damned if I let this determination pass.