Quick disclaimer: this letter is a longer and more polite version of me basically saying Go fuck yourself, but please keep on reading because I did put effort into it. At least, you owe me this.
We have a truly fucked up relationship, me and you. I despise you and hate you for all the times you made my life a living hell, yet I cling to you as a coping mechanism. You became such a big part of me, I no longer consider you as a separate entity. At rare times when I forget about you, I almost feel like I’m cheating on myself or something.
I honestly don’t remember how we’ve met. My guess is that a mutual friend introduced us. She was talking about you so often and with such visible obsession, I quickly found myself getting obsessed with you as well. Fortunately, or rather not, you don’t believe in monogamy or the phrase ‘three is a crowd’. You would always be seeking potential interests.
Our relationship can only have one definition: an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I’ve felt like we were all over each other. Other times you were barely noticeable, hanging out on the outskirts, yet I would always know you’re still there.
Remember the time I failed my thesis? Aw the times we had… It was like a never-ending Nicholas Sparks movie. Minus all the attractive actors and double the crying. Remember? I didn’t really save a lot of money on mascara. Remember we tried our first Xanax together? Memories…
To be honest, I really liked when you gave me space. It would allow me to have quality time with family and friends, have fun, let loose, enjoy my life. I couldn’t have too much fun though, otherwise you would get jealous. You would wait for a perfect moment: a fail in school or a rejection letter from a potential employer to swoop in and ‘comfort’ me. Whenever I would start feeling better, being the asshole that you are, you would immediately come back to shit on my parade.
You know, as much as I love hanging out in sweatpants with you all day, eating my weight in food and frying my brains with pointless internet content in order to distract myself from reality, this relationship is killing me. I will say this to you: we have to start seeing other people. Scratch that. I should start seeing other people and you should: either buy yourself a diamond ring, propose to yourself and marry yourself… I will even buy you champagne for this occasion… OR other option: become celibate. Forever. For the rest of human history. You would do everyone a huge favor.
You are a piece of work and demand attention 24/7. You are self-centered and prevent me from seeing other things, bigger things. I can’t even talk to my friends about you anymore, because they are tired of hearing the same shit over and over again. What’s more is that I find myself being ashamed of you. I feel genuinely guilty talking about our relationship this often because it makes people concerned and, frankly, annoyed.
My friends urge me to try on a different perspective and you know what, boo? I have a pretty good set up. I am blessed to be what I am and have what I have. I am grateful for the place I am today and frankly, I don’t want to make space for you. I deserve better than being in an abusive self-destructing relationship, such as this one. I deserve to live fully and peacefully and you just have to deal with it and, coming back to the main idea, simply go fuck yourself.
On behalf of all your ex’s and potential interests:
No one, I repeat, NO ONE likes you.
Consider this an intervention. No amount of nachos eating and Netflix watching is going to compensate for the emotional trauma you cause anyone you’ve ever been with. You made zero positive contributions. So I beg of you… delete your Tinder account, reevaluate your life choices and call it quits.
Your current interest, who’s majorly sleep deprived and majorly dehydrated in the eye region thanks to you.