Reasons Why Owning an iPhone F*cked Me Up

*swipes off spider webs*

*dusts keyboard*

*flicks off tumbleweeds*

I have a blog?..

AND WE’RE BACK!

There are plenty of reasons why I haven’t blogged in a while… There are even more reasons for me to stop blogging right now and continue working on my thesis and get it the fuck over with once and for all… But what can I say, I need a creativity boost and what works better for creativity than ranting profusely and bashing one of mankind’s greatest inventions? Spoiler alert: nothing. That’s one reason. Another reason is that while I was typing this in Word, my internet was acting out: both my laptop and my smartphone were disconnected from the world wide web, therefore my eye was twitching a bit, which made me think and which now brings me to my point:

A smartphone is both a bliss and a burden. Can I get an Amen?

Of course, technology makes our lives easier. You can call, text, take pictures, shoot videos, check the weather, go online, meet people, consume media and leave trashy comments on Youtube (don’t do it kids); you have a compass, a calculator, maps and, thanks to the Internet, potentially endless entertainment- all in a thing that fits in your pocket. Even without the Internet, you can stay in touch with anyone, anywhere, because calling is no longer something out of the ordinary. As long as there’s coverage… and you have enough battery… and you topped up your call credit…. The point is- it is definitely WAY EASIER now than during the pigeon sending times.

HOWEVER, people will always find ways to complain, especially about something that is making their lives infinitely better and I would be lying if I said that I was an exception. There’s just something about whining and complaining in an attempt to sound relatable. Amirite?

Long story cut short, these. are. the.

Stupid, yet troubling reasons, why having a smartphone completely and utterly fucked me up.

(1)

I don’t perceive a phone useful anymore, unless there’s wifi. It’s just a piece of high-tech technology… a rock, if you will. I’m not a wise person, so I don’t have games, or music, or videos, or books on my phone, therefore when the wifi is off, there’s literally no purpose for it. I remember the good ol’ days (yes, I just said that, deal with it) when I would go on my mom’s phone (a Sony Ericsson with an antenna, a black and green screen and 2 ringtone options) to play ‘Snake’. Those were the simpler times… ok, I’ll see myself out now.

(2)

I’ve developed a delusional feeling of importance, and that people want to reach me 24/7. Where ever I go I have to have it with me just in case, otherwise how in the world will I know that there’s an emergency, for instance, a girlfriend wondering if her eyebrows are on fleek?… Did I just use ‘on fleek’ with a straight face?… who said that?

(3)

Having an iPhone means having apps. Having apps means having social media “on the go”. Having social media “on the go” made me a validation junkie. Please tell me that when you post a picture of your dog on Insta, you type #dog #pets #cute in the caption too, so that I don’t feel alone…

(4)

I can’t sit through a lunch date with friends anymore without checking my phone at least once. What’s worse- as soon as one checks his phone-> everyone check their phones and from now on you don’t see faces anymore: you see foreheads.

(5)

It made me believe that I’m a skilled photographer and a witty caption writer.

#keep telling yourself that

(6)

I remember zero phone numbers. Like literally zero. Like it took me a year to remember my own Dutch number and I still double check when I have to give it to someone. Not that anyone’s asking…

(7)

I stopped wearing a watch… because why?

(8)

A dying battery makes me feel physically anxious. A poor internet connection makes my eye twitch, hence the introduction to this post.

(9)

Most of the time I will check if 2+2 still equals 4, because who uses their brain to count nowadays?.. Anyone?

(10)

Sometimes I catch myself wondering if having a more recent iPhone model would make me cooler… after which I quickly punch myself in the face to snap out of it.

(11)

I can’t pull out my phone in front of kids anymore… Their reaction to my iPhone 4S is fascinating, yet troubling: ‘Which version is it? Why don’t you have an iPhone case? Why don’t you have an iPhone 6? Having an iPhone 6 is cooler. My friend has an iPhone 6! How come you don’t have a passcode? Aren’t you afraid that somebody will look through it? Who’s the lady on the wallpaper? Do you have games? WHY ARE THERE NO GAMES?!?!?!?’

I mean, who am I… Donald Trump, to have a passcode on my phone? I have no secrets… And my screen saver is Ruby Rose, obviously.

(12)

My sleep pattern is completely ruined, because my phone replaces a teddy bear. There’s that.

(13)

I don’t know how humans meet other humans in real life and develop relationships. Frankly, I think I now lack the mental ability to form adequate phrases verbally and speak like a human being, yet I’m a self-proclaimed master of texting. Which reminds me, my resume needs to be reviewed…

Wow, 13 reasons… how symbolic. Anyway, so there’s that. Feel free to find it relatable or completely ridiculous. Hint: it’s both.

Thanks for reading, WP friends 🙂

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This entry was posted in Humor, Humour, Life and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Reasons Why Owning an iPhone F*cked Me Up

  1. Udit. says:

    I’m still surprised people lived without smartphones less than a decade ago.
    Anyway, Awesome post!

    Liked by 1 person

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