I can kid myself all I want… “I think I’m finally growing up, becoming independent, learning how to cope with my own being.” Reality: I can’t cope with change. Specifically, I can’t cope with any change in my environment. I realized I like to keep it homeostasis.
I sense that you’re getting a wtf-vibe from this post already, so bear with me till I explain.
During my freshman year in Holland, I rented a single room in a dorm. I used to think I was so lucky to have a place all to myself and could not imagine sharing it with someone. Just a few months passed and it started sneaking up on me: the feeling of utter loneliness, anger, slight depression and the suckiest- the inability to welcome other people in my room. Don’t get me wrong, I had people coming over and it was ok. But whenever someone random knocked at the door to catch me at my weakest (in my pj’s, with 3-day-old hair, in bed, accompanied by season 1 through 8 of Will and Grace and piles of incompatible food that no sane person would even think of combining), I would turn into a bear who’s den was just entered. Even though I felt like a pathetic loner, gradually losing social skills, I felt even angrier when someone tried intruding into my domain of misery. I developed a rather sad routine of waking up, going to uni, then coming back and binge-eating everything edible I could find in my room. I knew the lifestyle I had was taking me downhill (uphill in dress sizes), but it was also the only thing that kept me more or less sane.
I made friends that year and, since we could only stay in the dorm for one year, we decided to rent a house together. That was a change I wasn’t ready for. I still had my own room, so naturally I kept the detrimental to my sanity lifestyle. I had days when I was happy to chat and be a normal human being, but mostly I would lock myself in the room and come out only to grab food from the kitchen like a raccoon, making very little eye-contact. I don’t think I was a good housemate. You’re lucky you didn’t see my morning self in the kitchen. I was an effin’ delight.
For a brief period of time I shared a studio apartment with a girl. My very first roommate. At that time, I did my best suppressing the lonely wolf in me and we managed to get along really well. In fact, we got so attached that I realized I absolutely NEED full-time companionship. It finally dawned on me what an emotional, dependent, clingy, possessive, over-protective and even jealous mess I am. I swear at some point, I thought we were married.
This realization brought up mixed feelings. At one hand, I was happy that I was in fact able to coexist with another human being. On the other, it scared the absolute shit out of me. Are you saying that my well-being depends on whether or not I have a companion? But what about self-value? What happened to “I’m interesting enough to spend time on my own”? Am I that incomplete as an individual that I constantly need someone to distract me from MYSELF?
I am complete.
I now have experience living by myself and with someone. The funny thing is that I am capable of living either way as long as it’s a constant thing and nothing changes. It’s the change that freaks me out and pulls me into a downward spiral. I swear, one time I almost cried when my roommate left without saying where she was going.
I didn’t want this post to be so freakin’ long and pitiful, but I just have to mention one last thing.
This Saturday, my current roommate is leaving home. I want to write how grateful I am for the 5 months of companionship, support, an abundance of laughs and very rare sorrows, but the biggest feeling I’m experiencing right now is mind-numbing fear. I fear the nearest future. I fear that my freshman self will come back, invade my peace and ruin me. I wanted to share this fear with you and expose it in hopes that it will go away. Go away, please.
But seriously, roomie. Thank you for being a great companion, for dealing with my bullshit, for going clubbing with me even though you didn’t feel like it, for making sure I don’t fall asleep in the train, for making sure I wake up in the morning, for planning the trip to Berlin, for the constant reassuring, immense support and for the soup, obviously. Have a comfortable ride home and a great rest of the summer. I’ll see you in Septemeber!
Danke schon, mein Schatz!