We all had the “scumbag brain” moments.
Yep, those moments. Even though lately I haven’t had sleeping problems, I have to deal with my asshole of a brain all the time. Let me explain.
I have a bad case of thinking-I-want-it-but-doubting-if-I-want-it-after-I-get-it. Relationships, in particular. Ok, so most of the time, I awe at couples and whine that I lack human companionship which quite frankly annoys the shit out of people around me. My brain is constantly sending the “I think you’re ready for a relationship” message. But as soon as I, by some miracle, get the before mentioned contact I wanted, brain goes “Oops, nah, I was just kidding. Can’t believe you fell for it again”.
A typical problem of the human race: we want what we can’t have and don’t want what is easily accessible. When I get head over heels, I have zero concern if my victim chosen one feels the same way. And he usually doesn’t. I just confuse him with early relationship talks and eventually scare him away. Happened more than ones, not gonna lie. What can I say, I’m smooth.
However, if a guy shows me genuine interest, I can’t keep up with his growing affection and get really overwhelmed by all his emotions and feelings, all the romantic talks and 24/7 texting. Sometimes, I just want to take all the touchy-feely-sugary-emotional nonsense, put it in a box, put the box in a closet and burn the house down. That is how controversial I am but at least I finally realized how my victims felt when I shoved my love down their throats. And we are all guilty of this. I don’t even know anymore, which is worse: falling for a person who doesn’t give an F about you or being loved by a person, whose affection scares and pushes you away.
Sometimes I wish Louis CK narrated my life… Throw a couple of “What are you doing, you stupid idiot???” here and there… Maybe that would help me make better life decisions.
I mean, what’s wrong with us, people? Or am I generalizing? At least I know that I, myself, need some serious soul searching and personality development in order to overcome my fatal attraction to coldness and disinterest. Still a lot of work to do, a lot of potential boyfriends to scare.
Hope you all are having a great week.
Lots of love from the perplexed.